A Letter To My Boyfriend

Dear Shakespeare,
I refuse to write a gushy, sappy letter. This is me, and I don't do that (often).

So, you and I have been dating for about 2 and a half years now. I need to get one thing straight. I do not want any children. I'm not even sure I want to get married. This may change eventually, but right now, no. I dislike children, and have no desire to be around them. Even if they're my own.

You are not supposed to like me when I am sick, or on my period. When you volunteer to go buy me tampons/medication and rent a movie, you make me suspicious. You will not get more sex out of this behaviour. If this is what you're trying to do, it is a thinly disguised and badly thought out attempt.

Now, not everything you do is bad. When I asked you to come over and bring chocolate (and I asked you over chat) you were there in ten minutes. As Kat said, this (as well as some other things previously mentioned on the blog) got you ALL the boyfriend points. You're marvellous in many respects. You can also sense when I need you. Like tonight, when I was feeling down and you showed up with flowers and cake.

Cake leads me to my next point. You bake, cook and sew. I would probably have starved without you. You appear to be the woman in this relationship. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing (as long as you keep bringing me cookies) but it is interesting.

You are also ever patient with me. When I'm lazy/boring/bored/obsessed with something, you just put up with me, entertain me, laugh at my bad jokes, or help me obsess. This is wonderful, and something I've never had in a boyfriend before, and so, when I get mad at you because I think you're mocking me, thank you for understanding.

Shakespeare, if this 'perfect boyfriend' behaviour does not cease, I may be forced to lose you to another woman. That is not something that I want to happen. So, please, for the sake of our relationship, tone down the perfection.

Love from your ridiculous girlfriend, Katie (in case you weren't sure).